Cry, Weep Sob...Sook.

I just wanted to have a moan, and what better place to do it than on my blog?
Having practiced like crazy for the last two years I finally thought I would have a bash at sitting my DipABRSM exam. This is a music diploma, which is stupidly tricky, and I only have an hour to show two examiners what I have been learning for two years. Ack. And again, ack.
Anyone who really knows will know that I actually have a phobia of playing in public. So really it beats me why I actually decided to sit this stupid exam. I think it was because I have been learning so long, and wanted a stupid piece of paper to show for it. Ack.
I do LOVE playing the piano like nothing else on earth...well maybe I like singing AND playing the piano more, however, it is something I love to do. I just don't like other people judging my playing. I think it's my perfectionist/competitive nature coming into play. I know my playing isn't perfect, and I HATE that. And also, I know I'm not the best concert pianist ever - not that I want to be, that's not the point - I just love to play, so whether I pass or fail shouldn't really matter, however the perfectionist in me says I must NOT fail. It is all a bit tiring really!
In the past months, any attempt to play my program (all the pieces I will play from beginning to end, like a concert) has resulted in tears, and long periods of rocking quietly in a corner. My teacher tells me I know my stuff, and that technically I can do it, apparantly my problems are psychological. Great. My teacher thinks I'm psycho. :)Anyway, my teacher told me, the only way to get over it (psycho performing inability) was to perform my program every night.
So like a good, dutiful pupil, I have been following his instructions and yesterday actually performed it twice! Once was to another friend who's also sitting his DipABRSM, and once was to my Grandfather. For the first time since I started performing the program I had the most amazing feeling.
I actually started to forget about myself. The usual head commentry which runs while playing is something like this:

"Right, start of the Fugue. Watch the RH (right hand) quavers, they're tricky. Ooooh careful, you almost missed that entry, make sure the next one's more secure...whoops! overplayed that one, be careful...now watch these rhythms coming up, and remember that every second note of the semiquaver patterns needs an accent...bugger, totally screwed up the LH, focus on the LH for a while...Ooooh, but what is the phrasing doing? I totally forgot to round off the RH phrase properly..."

And on it goes. Anyway, I totaly was not doing that, I actually forgot to! I was enjoying playing for the first time ever, and was listening to the music and trying to convey the ideas and emotins behind it. It was an amazing feeling. I felt positive about the exam for the first time ever after my second performance yesterday, and actually started believing I might be able to do it. There were still some slips, but I have a week, and the whole overcoming of the nerves thing was a HUGE deal, considering I usually botch pieces up completely and reduce myself/my audience to tears of pain and frustration.
Anyway, just had a call from my grandfather to tell me he noticed a few mistakes last night, and asking if I thought I was doing enough practice. *hint hint*
Well, me being me I feel totally upset about it all. It's like the one step forward two steps backwards thing. Just get going and someone tells you you're not good enough. Argh. Think I am going to have a little cry and then get on with it. I just can't believe I was feeling so positive, and now am feeling so negative. I hope I can get the feeling I had last night while playing back again. Although now I feel like actually, how I played was obviously not that great, and maybe I should pack it in...
Ack.